Root Causes of my Fear of Public Speaking
Introduction
Today is my second day of therapy with a psychologist who speaks my native language. And I find myself reflecting on the emotions I experienced during my last session, where I began the process of grieving.
As I enter the psychologist’s office, I am greeted with a warm smile, which reassures me as we start to revisit the previous session. If you haven’t read my previous editions, be sure to check them out “My journey”!
Mixed Feelings and Unexplored Emotions
I’m feeling uneasy because my last therapy session was emotionally intense, resulting in a blend of reactions. The intensity of that experience is adding to my current unease and nervousness. I’m allowing myself to fully open up, process my thoughts, and confront my fears head-on.
Breathing Through the Journey
This time, we begin the therapy session with a breathing exercise. I feel a sense of confidence in this moment, thanks to my previous experiences with meditation using the Serenity app.
Guided by the psychologist’s soothing voice, I breathe in and out, allowing calmness and relaxation to flow through me. The breathing exercise gives me the gentle push I needed to explore the next point in my notebook.
Unveiling Childhood Wounds
I want to share a vivid memory from my early years. It takes me back to a time when I was around six years old, just beginning my first year at school. This particular memory revolves around an incident where one of my teachers singled me out in front of my classmates, leaving a big impact on me.
I remember when my teacher entered the classroom and asked, “Who is Rita’s daughter?”, referring to me. So, I stood up. Then, my teacher asked me to go in front of the class and write down the number “one thousand eight hundred”. But, I wrote “1800” without including the decimal.
In response, my teacher publicly scolded me. Her accusing finger pointed directly at me, and her words, filled with blame and disappointment, echoed in the room as she declared that I didn’t belong in that grade. This public humiliation left me feeling deeply embarrassed, especially considering I already struggled with speech problems that caused me to stutter when speaking. Even as other memories from that time have faded, this one remains etched in my mind.
At that tender age, I felt a potent mix of fear and vulnerability, overwhelmed by the intensity of the situation. It was a moment where I felt exposed and trapped within myself, unable to fully comprehend the reasons behind the teacher’s actions.
As I grew older, I learned that the teacher’s actions were motivated by a personal conflict she had with my mother. This added another layer to the complexity of the situation, deepening my understanding of the events that unfolded.
Connecting the Dots
The consequences of that incident have had a lasting Influence on me, leading to a deep-seated fear of public speaking. I now realize that this fear stems from the trauma of that past experience, where I felt humiliated and belittled in front of others. As a result, I struggle with sleeplessness, self-doubt, and a sense of paralysis whenever I have to speak in public.
Understanding and Recognition
During therapy, I am feeling ease with the psychologist’s comprehension and recognition of the effects that this childhood incident has had on my emotions and anxieties. It is an affirming step towards unraveling these feelings and striving for healing.
Embracing Self-Exploration
This entire journey of self-growth has been educational. It has made me realize that acknowledging our vulnerabilities and confronting our deepest emotions is an essential step towards discovering ourselves and finding healing.
Today, I am leaving with a sense of relaxation.
I feel empowered because I was able to address something that I have been neglecting within myself. I often dismiss it, thinking that it couldn’t possibly be true or that I am overreacting.
The psychologist has helped me understand that I shouldn’t be afraid to talk about things that I find embarrassing. I am actually proud of myself for opening up about it.
I also recognize that my fear of speaking won’t simply disappear overnight. It is a process, my body has to re-learned how to react, but with patience, consistency, and self-love, I can envision a day where I will confidently speak in public.
Conclusion
As I proceed on this voyage of discovering and understanding better myself. I appreciate the chance to confront these feelings under the guidance of a caring expert. It’s a delicate but uplifting journey, and I am dedicated to progress through it with sincerity and a readiness to develop.
If you’re facing similar struggles, I encourage you to stay positive and consider seeking therapy and support. There are multiple websites that offer therapy, starting the process can be scary, but I believe it’s worth a try. And, I welcome you to stay updated and continue further into my journey by following up in my upcoming post.
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